Thanks to God for Ebay

We all have different things that sooth us when we are feeling the tickle of depression coming on. Now, I am talking about the kind of depression that is characterized by not only sadness but mostly its emptiness, nothingness, fear, nervousness, anger, shyness, ocd, and so much more. Its a smorgasbord of fun and exciting spices that make each depressed person’s a unique stew.

Thats where EBAY comes in. I have a few things in this wold I just like looking at, holding in my hand, or thinking about. Now, being a 40 something male that usually draws the average mind to some kind of deeply biological sex thing. Not for me. For me its cameras and watches.

When I get all tense and worried I can scroll through a couple quadrillion porcelain faced watches or thousands of Leicas, Zeiss, and vintage cameras. I know its crazy but it calms me down. Just looking at them, researching how they work, so fourth and so on. Now, this might sound like fodder for those, “just think differently” idiots who don’t understand mental illness. EBAY does not CURE it, I am just pacified for a short time. To cure my mental problems I need some care and drugs that help manage my neurotransmitters.

I sometimes buy the cameras but I have a rule to keep myself from going broke: the camera must be under $10 lock stock and barrel and no more than one camera a week.  If you look at it as much as I do you would be surprised at what you can get for ten bucks. I have a staggering number of awesome cameras but with no real deep investment. However, the calming effect is well worth the cost.

I have not gone wild on watches however. None of the watches I like will ever be in the $10 bin no matter how often you check.

Again, I am grateful for the distraction. I hope it never becomes a problem. I look for a day when I don’t need distractions to get me through.

Every test points in the same direction

It may seem as if I don’t post very much and that would be true. However, I write all the time. The number of draft posts are probably rivaling the number of actually published posts. I get started, distracted, then the mood/time is over.

Anyway, I have taken just about every depression inventory you  an take. In fact I made a day of it and took about nine. Their scales were different but they all either said “severe depression” or “a good candidate for depression” depending on the scale. Now, I know that I have a depression blog, depression twitter, and it seems like I a well aware of my own issues. However, in the back of my mind I always feel like I am just over reacting or maybe I am just thinking wrong. I know that’s the advice you get and sometimes I wish it were true. I was not expecting all the tests to be exactly the same and all so positive. None of them, not one, was on the borderline. They all said the same thing, ” this guy has issues.”

Well, I guess there is a comfort in conformation, too. Just, dang, you don’t have to all sing the same tune so clearly.

A No Med day.

There are days when the magic is just gone. Today, my weary web traveler, is one of those days. The medication I was on has a long tail and kept me pretty steady. The new actually runs out and has a tiny biological half-life. As a result, if something interferes with it then the drug just does not work. Its like I just quit the drugs all together. Shitty. So, right now I am floating between really angry and just wanting to be alone.

I hate being angry. When I am angry it affects others. Usually,  when I have other symptoms I can just be scared of the world and put on my fake happy face. But when I am angry it is hard to hide and also my handling bullshit level is low.  Things that mildly bother me become major attacks on my psyche. Usually, noise related: tapping, rustling, squeaking, etc. Also, talking to me and adding a fake level of bullshit to the conversation.  You cant sell me anything in this mood.  I just want the interactions to be quick and over so I can get back to being alone in my mind.

Interestingly, to me anyway, is that I am not angry in my mind. It just comes out that way. I think just fine and have nice loving thoughts but when the communication is sent to the output part of my mind it gets packaged all angry and rude.  What the heck mind? Sometimes, I wonder which side I am on.

Anyway, enjoy the rest of your web travels today. I am off to silence a rattle, perhaps, with a hammer.

Not the good ol’ days

Sometimes I forget to take stock on where I came from and instead focus on where I am. I get all hot and bothered by the fact I had a panic attack yesterday, when, I used to be so sick that I would spend hours upon hours writing journal entries five minutes apart trying not die. (Which is what it felt like I was going to do.)

I look back in those journals and I realize how super sick I was. How terrified I was to just be awake. Every night was not restful but a war between the universe and me that ended with me getting up and dragging my worn out body to work… with a smile!

I think I am mostly amazed at how sick I was and how little the world around me knew about what was going on. I had really mastered the art of acting and covering up.  Even my own spouse only can guess at the 20% she was privy to. The rest of the world had no idea.

Now I have a mature illness. My disease has grown up and is more educated now. Weird huh? But the problems I have now are not even on the scale of what had happened in the past. But, its now a deeper more nuanced problem. Its like I started in the mental issue 1 bedroom shack but now I have a nice mental issue split-level ranch in the suburbs. Its got a little fence with flowers and a small hole in the back where I started digging to put in a bbq but never could seem to finish. I get very irritable when people mention it but who can I blame but myself.

I digress.

God bless and have a good day.

Sometimes it is sadness.

I really hate when people say depression is sadness. I know thats an cliché argument by now, but, sometimes it is. Almost 99.99999999% of my crazy ass depression is not sadness but today I am under the crushing weight of the 0.00000001%. I slept poor, my body hurts, and I feel real sad.

My colleague came in telling about her weekend. Her bi-polar (not a scientific diagnosis. May be just a sever case of being a teen.) child had a fight and spent the weekend in a tent off in woods. She was tearing up and crying and I had to sit there with my artificial smiley face on. Inside The water was rising on the dam and I am sure if the conversation had lasted another 30 sec I would have been in uncontrollable waterworks city.

I know its a bad craftsman that blames his tools, but, the drugs I am on now make me feel emotions much more deeply than I ever have IN MY LIFE. Its not an out of control feeling. My worst emotions were, lets say, a “5”. I then could easily make up the difference to the appropriate reaction. Most of the time emotions ran between 0 and 3 of my new arbitrary scale. Well, now my emotions run between 0 and 11 on that 10 point scale. I was comfortable being in control of how much emotion I had and how much I showed. Now the impact is twice or more. Its great and its awful at the same time.

I dont want to sound like I was super mechanical but I was always in cool control and no set of circumstances could rattle me at all. At the worst I was a little startled but never shook. Thats partly why I started a blog. I thought it would be fun to 3rd person look at my depression problems. Oh, how we make plans. Now, things shake the shit out of me. I like this a lot better but if you have lived most of your life differently then strong emotions are very draining.

About 5 years ago I started to get panic attacks.  They were the most intense thing I had ever felt up until that time.  Each one of those things would knock me down and wear me out. They still haunt me and I avoid anything that might set them off. Its damaged a few things (later post) but they are more in control. I hate them, I hate being tired, I hate feeling like I am going to die, -but- you really know you are alive. I am o aware of everything around me, my body, emotions, and well – everything.

I digress.

Today, I am sad very sad.  I dont know why I dont know what to do about it. I am starting to feel a few of the precursors of a panic attack coming on. I pray to the Lord that they go away and a panic attack does not come. Those things suck.

Dreams

This is not necessarily a bad thing, but, on my meds my dreams are weird. Now first, in full disclosure, I already had weird dreams.  My dreams are crazy high detail and complete stories from beginning to end.

There is a quality to my dreams that let me know that I am dreaming. I am often aware that I am dreaming and all that comes with that. However, on drugs the dreams are SO vivid and real. Sometimes, I would argue they are more real than reality.  Still very complete and still amazing in content.

I kind of like the intensity of the dreams. I like that larger than life realism and such. But, they are not restful. I do wake up like I have put on a big production and its now time to sleep.  I guess it takes lots of brain processing power to make these dreams and I have to pay for it in the morning. Most of the time its worth it.

Its not all bad, really.

Hello weary web traveler. I just want to make it clear that not everyday is bad or tumultuous. Some days are just normal. Some days are meh. Some days are explosive emotional moments where its hard to even think. Some days are trials in irritability.  Some days my mind is so disconnected it like watching a person with depression.

I am adjusting to a new medicine which is why I think its all over the place these days. On the previous medicine is was, “regulated” but the world was just meh. Never anything other than meh. Birthday, meh. Car wreck, meh. Some one saying they love me, meh. On fire, meh. So, having a few emotions has been nice. However, we need to dial it in a bit better. But for now, I am on an emotion vacation. Weeee.

But, as I was saying before I bird walked off the subject, most days are good. Most days are just a normal person doing normal things. Boring blog stuff though. As a result, I don’t tend to write about normal days just days when stuff is going awry.

So, please do not be fooled into thinking most days are bad. Most are ok, I just dont write about them.

 

A different day’s after meh.

So, the 40 mi/hr remnants of Irma rolled through our neck of the woods, literally. My house is completely surrounded by tall large trees. The winds bent them around every which way. By morning’s light our yard looks like a post tornado debris field. My car was almost completely camouflaged under limbs, leaves, etc. As well as the road I had to drive on. It is a huge mess.

All day I worried about my family and my 1000mi/hr mind kept making plans on how to handle this or that. After awhile I noticed I was in a full shrug which I held for most of the day. So I spent the day sharply tense and full of coffee. Now, I am a little PSTD. I am in from flinching and I just want to cry and let out a days bottled emotion. Shit.

Now, I am at work and I hear sirens, chainsaws, and all the post storm noise you usually hear. I really need a drink and a nap. maybe two of each.

 

 

The day after’s meh.

Now, its a day after an episode. The whole thing started with being hot. Not the good kind of hot but the sweating in the bed kind. Whenever I have those hot flashes the panic attack is not far behind.  The next morning the panic attacks started. It sucks but I have done it so much that I can stand there with a smile on my face and just be on fire inside.

So I wondered the earth with my artificial face on and the world did not even notice. When I got home I felt like I was 1000 degrees. I sat in the air condition with the fan going and just could not cool down. Usually hot flashes are the result of hormonal changes and this my be no exception. Its that pairing with panic attacks that sucks. Anyway, I took a bath then bam. I felt normal (well normal temp, anyway).

When these episodes are over I am worn out. It takes two days of strength to get through sometimes. I kissed the kids and hit the bed in single digits. Out solidly until the alarm this morning. I dont usually sleep that much in three days! Now I am rested I just feel, meh.

 

I know I am going to die on the steps of work.

At the work place I have to deal with some really unsavory characters. Which is odd because I work in the education/religion business and you would think those would be the most pleasant people, but, nope. Many people are nice, not to be such a blanket statement, but, there are a ‘effing metric ton of complete self serving militaristic assholes. No, really. Also, the amount of liars I have to deal with is staggering.

I digress.

Unlike other places I have worked this place hits you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You would think that the fake spiritualists would be my biggest problem but being strong in my faith allows that kind of crap to roll off my back. But helping those people be successful if what bugs me the most.

Most of my stress comes from work and the armchair social worker would say, “Just get another job.” Well, on the outset that seems like a great idea. And I would, in a heartbeat. However, here in the real world there are not many jobs at my pay and my seniority within 100 miles.

So I am kind of stuck behind a mortgage and bills and the need to pay them.

Back to the steps. I know most of my near explosions have been at work. now if I finally break it will be there.