Not the good ol’ days

Sometimes I forget to take stock on where I came from and instead focus on where I am. I get all hot and bothered by the fact I had a panic attack yesterday, when, I used to be so sick that I would spend hours upon hours writing journal entries five minutes apart trying not die. (Which is what it felt like I was going to do.)

I look back in those journals and I realize how super sick I was. How terrified I was to just be awake. Every night was not restful but a war between the universe and me that ended with me getting up and dragging my worn out body to work… with a smile!

I think I am mostly amazed at how sick I was and how little the world around me knew about what was going on. I had really mastered the art of acting and covering up.  Even my own spouse only can guess at the 20% she was privy to. The rest of the world had no idea.

Now I have a mature illness. My disease has grown up and is more educated now. Weird huh? But the problems I have now are not even on the scale of what had happened in the past. But, its now a deeper more nuanced problem. Its like I started in the mental issue 1 bedroom shack but now I have a nice mental issue split-level ranch in the suburbs. Its got a little fence with flowers and a small hole in the back where I started digging to put in a bbq but never could seem to finish. I get very irritable when people mention it but who can I blame but myself.

I digress.

God bless and have a good day.

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