I really hate when people say depression is sadness. I know thats an cliché argument by now, but, sometimes it is. Almost 99.99999999% of my crazy ass depression is not sadness but today I am under the crushing weight of the 0.00000001%. I slept poor, my body hurts, and I feel real sad.
My colleague came in telling about her weekend. Her bi-polar (not a scientific diagnosis. May be just a sever case of being a teen.) child had a fight and spent the weekend in a tent off in woods. She was tearing up and crying and I had to sit there with my artificial smiley face on. Inside The water was rising on the dam and I am sure if the conversation had lasted another 30 sec I would have been in uncontrollable waterworks city.
I know its a bad craftsman that blames his tools, but, the drugs I am on now make me feel emotions much more deeply than I ever have IN MY LIFE. Its not an out of control feeling. My worst emotions were, lets say, a “5”. I then could easily make up the difference to the appropriate reaction. Most of the time emotions ran between 0 and 3 of my new arbitrary scale. Well, now my emotions run between 0 and 11 on that 10 point scale. I was comfortable being in control of how much emotion I had and how much I showed. Now the impact is twice or more. Its great and its awful at the same time.
I dont want to sound like I was super mechanical but I was always in cool control and no set of circumstances could rattle me at all. At the worst I was a little startled but never shook. Thats partly why I started a blog. I thought it would be fun to 3rd person look at my depression problems. Oh, how we make plans. Now, things shake the shit out of me. I like this a lot better but if you have lived most of your life differently then strong emotions are very draining.
About 5 years ago I started to get panic attacks. They were the most intense thing I had ever felt up until that time. Each one of those things would knock me down and wear me out. They still haunt me and I avoid anything that might set them off. Its damaged a few things (later post) but they are more in control. I hate them, I hate being tired, I hate feeling like I am going to die, -but- you really know you are alive. I am o aware of everything around me, my body, emotions, and well – everything.
Today, I am sad very sad. I dont know why I dont know what to do about it. I am starting to feel a few of the precursors of a panic attack coming on. I pray to the Lord that they go away and a panic attack does not come. Those things suck.