Habit is stronger than lust

I know that I have done this before. Its the same cycle that I start every day and I claim gives me purpose. I get up, get ready, eat, and start the day strong. However, my job is awful, my purpose for working makes no sense. The amount of effort I need to keep this cycle keeps growing and growing and I quite expect it to consume me at some point. I lust after other jobs or working for myself, but, I get up -get dressed- and march off to another mans battle.

Lust is a strange thing. At first many may argue that lust is a physical thing. However, I think its mostly a mental exercise in, “what could be.” Possibilities are as alluring as food or sex. The possibility that tomorrow I could wake up and be the master for my fate. Be waking down a path I construct that represents me. I could go to sleep knowing those who looked upon me saw me for myself and my struggle.

However,

I will get up and go to another place and do another thing that is not related to who I am or what I want to do. Oh, it started that way but I have moved through the ranks and now I cant even see that place where I once stood. In fact, I cant even see a place to stand that remotely looks right for me.

There are two other tiny factors that tarnishes the shine off the lust: depression and family. I am now, almost two years into medication, still trying to get level. I am not what you would call regulated by any means. Many days, its like I walk around with weights on my feet and heavy chains around my neck. Just getting through the day is a triumph and its only as far in the future as I can see.

Family is another point. My family job is to be a good provider. Oh, at all costs. I will let my current job kill me just to keep the gravy flowing. I am no good to anyone trying to follow my dreams.

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