is it still sadness?

Hi web traveler! Today I am depressed. Depression is really hard to spot in other people. It looks like happiness, or humor, or general pleasantness. But really its a wobbly bag of tears that feels like its going to explode at any minute.

Thats where I am at this moment. Everyone around me thinks things are fine, however, I am just about to explode in ocean of tears. There are moments where it does not even seem like me who is sad but me watching someone play me who is sad. Those are the moments that I really hate because I don’t feel part of the world. Kind of isolated. I blame that on drugs, but, there ya go.

I am sitting on the deck, drinking a beer, and listening to the Grateful Dead. Why? Because to others it looks like I am acting normal. Really, I just want to be in the dark nestled between the sheets.

However, I have never retreated to the bed, I have not cried in over a decade, and now I feel like I am going full thermonuclear.

Its weird. Every Sunday feels similar, more or less. Today is more, much the effing more. I wish I could explode.  I think that would be amazingly purging. I used explode about once a year, usually in the winter.  I would just breakdown and cry uncontrollably until I fell asleep. (My poor girlfriend at the time had to put up with a lot. I have always admired her for being there for me when things fell in. ) The next day was like a new fresh start. Amazing. Wonderful, in a way. I was a clean slate and ready for a whole year of ups and downs.

However, the purging has not happened in over 20 years.  Shit. I think there is so much crap stuffed up in there that I am used to it.  I am so stuffed full of cortisol and stress I plan to I worry it will just kill me before I ever learn to handle it. Sometimes, I actually think that its my destiny to just let the stress and such kill me. I hope it doesn’t but there ya go.

Man I am rambley tonight.


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