I flip back between smolderingly angry and feeling nothing. I know that the solution is simple. I have been taking meds for over a year and its normal for the tide to go out a little. My body adjusts and the meds fall just below the effective line.
So, the answer is simple to an outsider: up the meds. I have called my doctor (never self adjust meds, never) and he wants me to move up a dose. Seems simple. It raises my quality of life and general happiness and effectiveness as a person.
Why have I not done it?
Thats pretty complicated. First, meds scare me a little. I have to get to a place where I feel I can up the dose and if there are side effects I have the time to deal with it and not inconvenience anyone who relies on me. That day never seems to come. But, mostly, I have lived like this MOST of my life, its …. normal. Well, normal to me. An outside observer would look at me and say, “why not just throw that water on the fire and quench it?” well, I am very used to the fire and quite comfortable with dealing with the fire. (it just lowers my quality of life, happiness, productivity, etc….but thats ok, right?)
TO recap, when I am fully regulated I have all the different emotions. But right now the needle is just slamming one way or the other. I need to bite the bullet and up the meds. After I do I know I will look back and not fathom why it took so long to do. But, not there yet.