For me, I can handle the panic attacks, the noise in my head, and all the ugliness that comes with depression. However, the thing that hits me the hardest is loneliness.
I work, my wife works, kids are at school, all of which means I don’t spend time with the ones I love. When we get together at night we spend so little time interacting. It really gets to me sometimes. I even get so used to it to the point I am startled when a foot touches me in bed. Who’s that? Oh, yeah, I am married and I have a wife.
I usually can tell when boughts of loneliness are coming. Besides the obvious not being with people much, I start loosing my appetite. I may eat one meal a day, then again, maybe not even once. I don’t get hungry (weird brain thing, huh) so I don’t miss eating if I just stop doing it.
Also, my sense of humor just fizzles out. I am not funny, things aren’t funny, nothing can make me laugh.
I blame some of this on my unbelievably awful workplace experience. Some on my depression, which, is just the lens I look through to see the world. And some on just a little decrease in some hormone or neurotransmitter.
ho hum. Think I’ll go do some code.
Thats right readers, you are getting pointless bonus material like a $2 dvd from the car wash. In my above post I forgot to mention how I hate to be touched when I am like this. I can’t stand anyone to even as much as sit next to me. Weird, huh? I am lonely, but, I also shun personal contact. Arn’t we weird machines. It would seem that my mind does the exact opposite of what I need. But, isn’t this what lots of our minds do? Mine is just so annoying about it that it has its own blog. Its the greyest of grey matter. I am off to meditate or, much more likely, have a beer and watch youtube.