Today, things are just not clear. Its been a horrible week, emotionally, and if I had the ability to cry I would have cried all week. The weekend has not been restful as I have a virus and I am taking care of an angsty teen (who gave me the virus). I just cant seem to get on the track. I have tons of creative ideas but no energy. Nothing.
I just cant get a foothold on the day. My mind, for lack of a better term, is very noisy. Lots going on up there. I even woke up mad about work on Saturday morning. We are in between churches and so I did not have the purging I get from good Sunday worship. It resets me to a point. ugh, all my sentences are short. So, is my temper, patience, and attention span.
I am just basically annoyed that I am not being creative and every little detail of the world is pissing me off. Triggered.
Its basically just a blurry day. I cant focus, find my center, or anything.
— Time Passes —
Fresh from the tub. I am sitting here with a hot coffee and loud music in my ears. I am much calmer and clear headed. I still feel as if my fuse is a little short, but, a but harder to light – if you get my drift. In the south we dont talk about depression even with our spouses. I have been pretty much the whole way through my depression journey alone. Not that my wife is a bad person, but, she had stuff she was dealing with and I am embarrassed to have depression. I wish the medicine just made the depression go away, but, what it actually does is make it manageable. Which means I am managing it everyday. I wish my wife and I would share and talk about things like this but thats just not our relationship. So, for now, I’ll put on my depression shoes and keep walking down my own path. Its not as bad as it sounds, I’m just lonely.