Just nervous today


Welcome back. If this your first time here, I am just a guy who rambles on about my struggle with depression.

Today, I am just nervous. Very similar to having too much caffeine but with the added tenseness in the shoulders and back. It got me thinking that some outside observers (because its already too full in here for more internal observers) might think to themselves, “Why put up with that.” or “Perhaps you need different meds.” and its true. But when one starts depression meds its not like taking aspirin.  It takes time to work, then its wavers, then there are good days/and bad, then I settle on a balance of side effects and quality of life. It takes a year to just try a drug.

I may change to new drugs later, but, just having a day where I am nervous is a @#$ vacation to life before meds.  When I look back, a bad day was SOOO bad…how did I stand it?

At this moment, I do not see a future where I will not be on some kind of med. Practically, my brain is not just going to start making enough serotonin so I will always need the help. Living without drugs is downright unmanageable for me.

So, I was watching TV (which I almost never do) and there was a commercial for Chrones Disease. In the dialog the actor said, “It got to the point where all I was doing was managing my disease.” That was the epiphany moment. I had gotten to the point in my life that all I was doing was managing the mental illness. In fact, I think it all started around 9th grade -so- over such a long time I developed a whole host of tools to just deal. All I was doing now was dealing with illness and my quality of life was VERY low. The people around me did not notice a change because I seemed like I have always seemed, but, that was the problem. I realized my children were growing up and my marriage was coasting and I needed to fix this mental bullshit so I could enjoy the great gifts of God in this life. It was at that very moment that I made an appointment to see my doctor, get a full physical, and have the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had with a doctor.

It was worth it. I had no idea how bad it had gotten and how much of my life and the lives of those around me I was missing.  It ended up taking one pill a day that costs me about $7 every thirty days.  If the price goes up to $100 a day, I would still take it.  I am simply amazed at the difference.

I still have good days and bad days, I have ‘my moments’, I even have lapses. Its all so much better that I dont mind the little problems.  It may, at times, seem like a huge problem but its not. The bad moments are sooooo manageable that its really nothing.

I made this blog to give me a place to ramble on about this stuff, but, also so if there is someone like me out there, I could encourage them to go to the doctor and significantly raise their quality of life. Its a quick conversation, its cheap to fix, and is pretty discrete. It took an actor with fake Chrones Disease to wake me up.

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