Ahhh, panic attacks. For those who don’t have them, let me explain: Its not like being just nervous or letting my mind run away from me. These awful things can actually wake me up from sleep. Its clearly (not a doctor, here) that its something chemical/hormonal. So, just thinking differently would not work in this case. (or any panic attack case, to be honest.)
Last night at 3:35 I was woken my the noise in my mind. I went from r.e.m sleep to wide awake thinking at 1000 mi/hr in a split second. I was covered in sweat, nervous, scared, and cold. Then hot, then cold, then hot…its weird. I tried to go back to sleep but its impossible when my mind is wide open. Also, 3:35 is a weird time, if I have a “problem” it will be between 3:00am and 4:00am. Never at 1, 2, or 5. Also, it provides another simple management issue, I get up at 5am so do I try to go back to sleep or just start the day? Most of the time my day starts here. Weeee.
At this very moment, I am in the local coffee shop typing this and trying to become conscious via a latte. Once the mind at 1000mph wears down it feel like I fell 15 feet into a very tired and sleepy hole. Usually, I will hit a second wind in about two more cups of coffee and things will be ok. One great thing is the drugs make the intensity and duration of the panic attacks much much less. Since I know what they are I can just ride them out. I can reason that I am ok and then just lay there and let the physical/mental stuff just work itself out. Its painful and torturous but bearable. Much more bearable on the meds.
One aspect I would like to focus on for the end of this entry is the temperature thing. Until I started taking meds for depression I really did not notice temp all that much. It would have to be below 45F or over 100F for me to really notice. I guess over the years I just became numb to that sensation. Now, I get cold and hot. Doesn’t sound weird does it? Its not my norm, its really weird to me. Like last night I was sweaty and felt like I was 200 degrees. So, I would slip out from under the covers and then would be instantly freezing cold. So cold that my bones hurt. Then would slip back under the covers and be boiling hot. I just could not ever get to a comfortable temp. Right now, I am not as sensitive and I imagine its in the 60’s in here and I am just fine. Noticing, temp is weird to me.
So, off to work and my next cup of coffee. It will be a long day.