This not just in …

It is now the next day and its passed. I wish to explain somethings that are hard to explain in the moment. First, when I say I am mad its not like you are just pissed off. Its a chemical thing where you are the passenger in some drunk hormone’s car. If you work hard you can remove yourself (perspective) from the situation and look at it from a – somewhat – outside perspective.  I mentally sit there looking at the situation thinking, “What the hell is wrong with that guy?” I am very good at not showing my emotions in the moment so the ones around me just know I am quiet or not really friendly today, but, on the inside I am in a speeding car I am not driving.

I did not have the terror expected in the middle of the night. I was woken by a child who could not sleep resulting in time consoling her then trying to get her back to sleep. So, I am happy with that by far. She was happy, I was happy, and we both had a good nights sleep.

The terror in the moment passes, too. Its not so much actual terror but my body’s response to terror.  Its kind of weird that after awhile you can recognize it and just ride it out. I guess its a little like military training where they put you in situations over and over until you can operate under the stress. The stress and terror are still there but I can be completely functional while in the moment. Tortured, but functional.

This morning my jaw and shoulders still hurt.  But, thats just physical pain which I can ignore or deal with via Tylenol. I know there are people who feel that the physical pain is more “real” than the noisy brain stuff, but, they are wrong. Here in the south we have a problem looking at anything other than physical ailment as real.  You need a physical reason you missed work or some function.  You don’t let your thinkin’ get in the way of getting things done, thats weakness and weakness is bad.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I imagine, my problems are a 4 but since they were untreated for so long because of lots of factors including my culture it feels a bit worse, like and untended garden. I hope to work out my problems in this blog and also give people like me a grip to hold on.  You are just a few quiet meds away from relief. For me it is not making me normal, but, 90% of the time it gives me a handle to hold on to and live a very normal life. Before meds, its was the other way around and feeling “normal” and in control only 10% of the time sucks.



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