Mostly I write in the past tense. Where I look back on my problems from my comfy “everything is normal” perspective here in the future. (echo: future, future, ….) But today is a treat, well sort of, I am smack dab in the middle of an episode. Now if you don’t have depression (I still think thats the wrong name for it) then you might think that I am having an attack of the sads. But actually, its quite a different feeling, this time. Next time it might be the sads but thank goodness I seem to have depression 3.0 with all the DLC. So I have several different kinds of things that happen at different times. It can be a rollercoaster or … not. Depression is just funny that way.
So, tonight a few things are happening:
- I am quick to get angry. Now that does not mean anyone is in any kind of harms way. But, my “that pisses me off” button is right there on the surface and almost everyone seems to be able to set it off. Because of my carefully metered actions, I doubt anyone is aware of it. I am not the lash out at those around me type. However, they keep pissing me off. Also, its not everyone. Some people don’t bother me no matter what they do. Some piss me off just being there. Where this is torture for me is I hate to be mad at people, especially, family member and for no real reason. If this is not your usual way of being then its tortuous to be angry all the time with no reason or resolution.
- Tonight I am a raving hypochondriac. Again, those around me don’t notice but I am worried about every virus and bacterium in my environment. Hey, I touched that. An wild animal could have touched it. They may have had some kind of sickness. I touched other stuff since, so, did I spread the sickness to others. Will I die from this exposure. Am I hurting others by spreading this virulent life threatening contagion. And so on until the entire east coast is in apocalyptic ruin. My mind runs away at an alarming speed and with the worry of everyone’s safety. Mostly, I worry about me and how much time I have left. But, this all happens even when there is no real evidence of danger.
- My shoulders are in a full shrug. I get … tight … when I am worked up. My teeth are grinding, my shoulders are shrugging, my gut is artificially sucked in, and most muscles are tightened at least a few percent. Kind of like a spring wound up 10 percent or so. An hour or two later I will hurt all over as muscles start to relax. My shoulders may stay tense until mid day tomorrow. I will catch myself doing it every few hours and actively stop it. Then, slowly, it will tense back up and the pain will start again. I, also, get a screaming headache form the grinding of my teeth.
- Finally, a unnamed pointless feeling of terror. Imagine you stepped between to parked cars and into the street. Suddenly you look to your left to see a large truck speeding towards you only a few feet away. You lurch back to the relative safety of the two car gap as the large truck thunders by. You lay there on the ground with a heaving with a fast beating heart thoroughly covered in adrenaline sweat. Now, imagine this feeling with no truck there. You have terror and all the extras but no threat in immediate sight and no resolution when it thunders by.
Its almost bed time and I know I will be back up at 2:00 in a mild terror, but, terror none the less. I feel glad there is no real danger but feel awful because, well, I am having a panic attack. When I was a child I never realized that adulthood came with this kind of thing. I sincerely hope for most people it doesn’t.
I know all thats really wrong is too much and/or too little neurotransmitters in my brain. A simple thing that should be easily fixed or at least dealt with. But the feelings are real and there is no way around them until its over. But like I have said in the past: I know land will eventually come – so – that thought will keep me going as I fly over the terrifying open water.