Good days – Bad days – Nothing days

There are good days and bad days. The road to wellness (at least this far) is paved, then gravel, then dirt, then paved, then pot holed, then glassy smooth, etc. Once I started medication, I had too high of expectations for healing. Its not like a cold or the flu. You take medicine and the disease starts to wane. Its more like island hopping. Sometimes, you are over water sometimes you are on land, sometimes the land part is small, sometimes large.

Staying with the island hopper metaphor: It is bearable to be over the open sea because you know that there will be islands. Even if if they are small and far apart, they are coming and you will have some rest.

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I have started this entry about three times. I wanted to write. I had tons of experiences I wanted to relate, but, today is one of those days. I don’t feel inspired, happy, sad, just nothing. I imagine its how a zombie feels, if you even describe it as feeling. Its not like Aspergers either. I have taught those people and they have feelings but its more inwardly directed. I just don’t feel. Its not the blahs. The blahs are a feeling. This is literally nothing.

If something big, emotionally, happens during this time then I would seem to not care. When the serotonin level is back up then I would be an emotional mess. However, it would come with no warning and not at a predictable level. So, I would seem soulless during the event, then, seem way over the top but much later. Kind of like a PTSD-lite.

Most likely, however, I will just transition to emptiness. Its a feeling and its nice to feel something, anything. But, emptiness does not feed the soul very much. I know that eventually I will be flying over land again and things will be better. I know why its happening and I know its not forever. So, I don’t mind the wait as the emptiness fades away and I can be myself for awhile.

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