Depression. It is mostly the name that throws us off the paved road and down the dirt path of misunderstanding. Most people think it means you are sad. Perhaps now would be a good educational moment with percents.
20% Unsubstantiated deep fear
30% Nothing. Just the feeling of not being alive/dead/anything
15% Nervous. Sweaty palms. The worst if fixing to happen.
20% Confused and disconnected.
10% What is generally accepted as normal.
5% Emotional roulette. Spin the wheel and see what happens
(*Your depression may vary, adjust accordingly.)
Much of the time I felt like I was watching myself on tv. It was a show and I watched as the actors played their parts and went through their lives. Also, it was a very boring tv show. Apparently, I live a pretty routine life that can happen almost automatically.
I hated the fear the most. It was my friend at night and it kept me up. It was the thing that wore me out physically, most of the time. However, silver lining here, I read a lot of books, watched a lot of TV, metric f-ton of podcasts, and worked on grants. So, it was not wasted time, but, just really shitty productive time.
It amazes me that I still had enough reserves to work and be successful for decades. I never really enjoyed my successes, but I had them. Also, I am pretty sure I am a good parent. My kids have no idea that my brain was using a melonballer to scoop out my emotions and tear me apart. In fact, I think I am the “fun and understanding” parent. Kind of like that councilor at school who drove a VW microbus. ( “ubus”, engineers will get that joke.)
So, please, depression is not about being sad.